I've been wanting to reach out on this for a while now. In January 2016 I developed Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It was really sudden for me and has only gotten progressively worse in the almost 4 years that have elapsed since then. What this means for me is that I regularly have spells of complete exhaustion and so much pain, all over my body. I often am too fatigued to move my arms or legs, or even carry my own body weight. At least once per week, I'm essentially paralyzed by this illness-- too extremely fatigued to move or even speak. Every day I am reminded of my limitations. I can only do a tiny fraction now of what I once could. This illness has been hell for me, and it's one I face head-on every single day. It's revealed a version of myself that I often hate, but that I'm working so hard on trying to heal and love.
I am living through hell and it's completely invisible, even to my closest friends. I look fine. It's often assumed that because I made it to brunch or because I have a smile on my face, that the reality of my condition doesn't exist. It always does. Even on my best days, I'm terrified, so acutely aware that these moments are a rare gem and a harsh reminder of what I once was. Any second, I'll be hit with my inevitable crash and be left alone in the dark again.
There is no cure and there is no treatment plan. There's just me, fighting the spread of this illness so that its tight grip on my life doesn't become a chokehold that completely strangles the life out of me. I'm doing everything that I can and it's all I think about. I have both nourished and starved myself, eliminated stress and tried channeling adrenaline. I've tried both solitude and more sociability, exercising like hell and just embracing long periods of rest. Yoga, meditation, traditional Chinese medicine, homeopathy, a long list of various antidepressants, talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, sensory deprivation, mindfulness-based stress reduction, and a million different specialists and tests are all I've tried. I added an emotional support animal to my life. Despite this, it only ever seems to get worse.
I know we all have our struggles and I'm so sorry for yours. I wish I could be the friend you need me to be. I think about all of the connections I broke because I just couldn't deal. I'm sorry. I miss you and I wish you could have helped me without judgement or needing anything in return. I hope this helps you understand a bit more about what's going on with me.
