Chronic illness

I've been wanting to reach out on this for a while now. In January 2016 I developed Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. It was really sudden for me and has only gotten progressively worse in the almost 4 years that have elapsed since then. What this means for me is that I regularly have spells of complete exhaustion and so much pain, all over my body. I often am too fatigued to move my arms or legs, or even carry my own body weight. At least once per week, I'm essentially paralyzed by this illness-- too extremely fatigued to move or even speak. Every day I am reminded of my limitations. I can only do a tiny fraction now of what I once could. This illness has been hell for me, and it's one I face head-on every single day. It's revealed a version of myself that I often hate, but that I'm working so hard on trying to heal and love.

I am living through hell and it's completely invisible, even to my closest friends. I look fine. It's often assumed that because I made it to brunch or because I have a smile on my face, that the reality of my condition doesn't exist. It always does. Even on my best days, I'm terrified, so acutely aware that these moments are a rare gem and a harsh reminder of what I once was. Any second, I'll be hit with my inevitable crash and be left alone in the dark again.

There is no cure and there is no treatment plan. There's just me, fighting the spread of this illness so that its tight grip on my life doesn't become a chokehold that completely strangles the life out of me. I'm doing everything that I can and it's all I think about. I have both nourished and starved myself, eliminated stress and tried channeling adrenaline. I've tried both solitude and more sociability, exercising like hell and just embracing long periods of rest. Yoga, meditation, traditional Chinese medicine, homeopathy, a long list of various antidepressants, talk therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy, sensory deprivation, mindfulness-based stress reduction, and a million different specialists and tests are all I've tried. I added an emotional support animal to my life. Despite this, it only ever seems to get worse.

I know we all have our struggles and I'm so sorry for yours. I wish I could be the friend you need me to be. I think about all of the connections I broke because I just couldn't deal. I'm sorry. I miss you and I wish you could have helped me without judgement or needing anything in return. I hope this helps you understand a bit more about what's going on with me.

il cambiamento

I really should update this blog more often. Even though I know almost no one who actually reads it, it's comforting to think that maybe there's someone out there that does. And it's intriguing to wonder what that person thinks.

Life is pretty good these days. I just started my second co-op work term this week, at the Bank of Canada. I love, love, love it. I'm still very new though, so I desperately hope this feeling will last all the way until the end of April... I'm crossing my fingers.

With the beginning of 2012, I've developed a series of resolutions that I plan on sticking to. I really hate the word "resolution" as it's associated with a new year and futile (and essentially stupid) promises to lose weight or quit smoking or what have you. That's not what this is. I see 2012 as the year things change for me. 2012 is the year I will stop coasting and start living. 2012 is the year I embrace the ENTJ in me and live my life. These big plans obviously needed to be streamlined in some way; thus, the "resolutions" are as follows:

 Et voilà. Until next time!

L'inizio

What's up with me lately?

I'm already almost halfway through my third year at the University of Ottawa, and my life has changed dramatically in the last year and a half. My program is now English (co-op), with a minor in French, and I have honestly never been happier or more satisfied with my current life and life choices.

This past summer, I successfully completed my first co-op work-term as a Junior Program Policy Officer at the Canada Revenue Agency, in the Scientific Research and Experimental Development Directorate. Anyone who knows me know how much I loved it!! It was such an incredible opportunity to work with an awesome team in such a great environment. I'm pretty sure they liked me too, being that I was nominated by my manager here as Co-op Student of the Year! Honestly, I was very sad to leave...but now I'm on to bigger and better things.

As for which bigger and better things, that remains undecided as of yet. My second co-op work-term begins in January and I am currently nearing the end of the first round hiring process. Interviews for this round came to an end yesterday (all 12 of them!!!!), and I'll be playing the waiting game until Tuesday at 12:00 pm. Let's just say, though, that I have good reason to be fairly confident about the student rankings to be released on Tuesday.

More to come! xoxo

oh hey

so i think it's safe to say that this blog has become pretty obsolete.
i haven't photographed in a really long while
but it's cool
life is decent enough
this is my favourite of the past couple months. my almost-neice, gabby's 2nd birthday. love her.

talk in a couple more months then!

I got what i got all despite you

my god, i cannot wait to come home in ONE DAYYYYYYY!

it's not that i'm homesick cause i'm honestly loving ottawa right now... but i just miss my friends. for serious. i haven't seen most of them since christmas break because i wasn't in woodbridge for reading week.

it's quite sad really

so.. HOME ON WEDNESDAY MORNING!

and for almost 2 weeks tooo

i am literally so excited

i can't even contain myself

AHH

it's going to be incredible.

also, i think it's safe to say that me and my lovely current and future roommates have FINALLLLLLLLLLLY found a house.

yeah. life's good.

Your head will collapse, if there's nothing in it

i loooove my roommates.

that is all.

also, i believe a slight hiatus from alcoholic beverages is necessary after last night. no drinking until next weekend!
home in 5 days!!!! cannot wait

With all the fire set in our eyes, without a cornerstone to realize

taken from http://www.sleeptrip.com/300loveletters/2.html
what an interesting idea for a website/project
definitely worth checking out, i think